Monday, August 1, 2011

Crazy Monday With Ronald Fairchild

You knew it was going to happen didn't you?  Someday, I was going to interview my husband.  I know we all know him as Big D, but to most he's Ron. 

Today I decided to share the funniest thing that had happened to him in a long time. 

Picture it.

Winter last year.  I know, what?  There's a damn heat index of 109 today and I'm making you think winter?  Right now I'm thinking of laying naked in some snow in the winter I'm so hot. 

Okay, yuk...I think I've worked out in the hot sun too long today.

On with the story...take it from here wonderful Big D, I , er, mean Ron:

Hi everybody. Ron here and my story.

It was a cold morning.  Snow up to your waist but all I could do was sweat my butt off.  You see, I had to load hogs that morning by myself.  The kids were off to school and the old lady, (just kidding, if I called her that for real I'd be living in the hog barn) I mean my beautiful pregnant at the time wife, was in the house feeding kids and doing her morning clean up job on the house. 

Has anyone had any experience with range hogs?  By that I mean the hogs that aren't confined...the pasture type what we raise.  When people say hogs are dumb I think they should look in the mirror.  Hogs are unfortunately one of the smartest animals around. 

So back to that morning.  It's 20 degrees and a light snow is falling.  I needed to sort off about 10 hogs and sell them at the hog buying station in Marshall, MN.  It really sucks when you're trying to sort hogs by yourself.  We have two hog pens.  One in the old big barn and a lean to and they like both of them.  So the first object of the game was to get them out of the big barn and close off that pen so they didn't get back in there.  I wanted to get them all in the lean to, close the gate, then get them into the trailer. Seems easy but its not.  Especially when you are dealing with 300 pound hogs...they are stronger than a grown man.  (That means me.)

The first eight went well.  Got them weighed and in the trailer...easy.  Number nine was a pain in the you know what.  But got her in. 

Number ten.  Not good.  I chased him for 45 minutes.  I had to get them to the buyer and that darn thing was wasting time.  Did I mention I'm diabetic and my blood sugar was getting low?  Also no athlete...I can hold my own but she was a bear.  I gave up and went in the house.  Suzanne said she'd give it a try.  Did I mention she was pregnant?  No athlete at the time either (I love you honey).  Wouldn't you know, she went out there with our "hog pail" scraps from the house, and he followed her right into the shed and she shut the gate.  It took her only 5 minutes.  I was happy but mad at that darn pig.

But hogzilla wasn't done with me yet.  Oh no.

After I showered I headed to town with the hogs.  Icy roads, wind and increasing snow the whole way.  Me with the trusty pick up and trailer which both were in need of all new tires.   So I was already on edge.

I finally had gotten down to the station and backed up to unload.  I went in and got the buyer and he went out with me.  We got them in the pen and as we were getting ready to weigh them, (we get them all on a scale and they buyer pays me for the total pounds) when I looked to see that the buyer didn't hook the gate. 

"Damn range hogs!"  The buyer yelled as that jerk and two of her pals that I chased all morning slammed the gate to open it and took off out in the loading area.  We got that gate shut as they were running around the building and trying to go to the next building in the business park but they couldn't get through the snow. 

Where was Suzanne and hog pail?  Also, I thought, 'Are you kidding me?  I thought the one would be dead from running all morning and gasping in that cold air'. 

We chased them for another 1/2 hour before we finally got'em and her compadres back in the building.  I told Chad the buyer that I had my 223 rifle in the pickup and I'd be more than glad to get the job done.  But he said that we'd get it in and he was right.

But I can only imagine what people must have thought as they were driving by watching us chase pigs IN TOWN.

Funny how nobody stopped to help?   

This is where my wife says "happy trails", I say thanks for letting me tell you my story.  Also, if you ever see me chasing after some hogs...stop and help.  I'd really appreciate it.


  1. I may be no good at running about anymore, but I could carry a hog pail. ;) She's a smart "old lady". More flies with honey and all that. Great story. Refreshing in the heat to see the winter pics. :)

  2. That is hysterical! Suzanne, the "Hog Whisperer". ! We women have to find an easier way to "man handle" 300 pound hogs. Happy trails. Terah