This post has nothing to do with the farm, but everything to do with the farm, our lives and so forth.
It also has doesn't have any pictures either.
Last Sunday night, was the hardest night I've had in a long time. My ex husband called me and told me that our daughter Ashlyn wanted to live with him now.
For the last two weeks I was a blurr of emotion, no sleep, tears when no one was looking, no tears when there should have been, yelling, depression, etc.
I know...Fairchild Farmgirl never lets anybody see her sweat, right?
The first week I was thinking, 'I'm going to get the real story when I pick her up for my weekend," Chris, her dad had had her for the summer. I don't know what I was expecting, her to say something like her dad is making her go or what. I thought that there was no way my little girl wanted to leave her momma. We are tight.
I was wrong.
In the car that day there was a lot of small talk. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I asked, "So, you have something you want to talk to me about?"
In the most mature voice she could muster, she started to explain to me how she had lived with me for 12 years and only 3 with her dad and she was so small back then, that she doesn't remember it. She wanted to know what it was like to live with him long term.
This is where the farm comes in.
I kept thinking, did I make her do too much here? I know there she has minimal chores. I mean, what would she have to do? They live in town and she's an only child. Her lambing skills and her days of loading hogs are over. There she'll have to take out the garbage before she walks the five blocks to school instead of the hour bus ride, and so on and so forth.
Can you blame her? That's pretty appealing to a 12 year old. But then I thought about it. That's why she's so mature. I've taught her responsibility and caring. So dang it, I'm gonna pat myself on the back! =)
On the way home that day she assured me that she loved me and that this was the fair thing to do. I kept thinking, 'but it's not fair for me.' Thank goodness I know when to shut my mouth.
Big D and I went down to see her new school on Friday, visit the Catholic Church CCD program there and watch her perform in a play. It was fun and sad all at the same time.
Her school here has 26 kids in her grade. The new school has 125. They have a great drama program, art program and really good athletics program. D and I liked the school a lot. Her dad Chris came with and he had a lot of good questions. I was pleasantly surprised.
Her new church has a youth group. Ours doesn't. There was so many good things about those two things alone it was making me feel better.
Then we saw her shine in a play and went back to her dad's house for a birthday party. The "Feeling sorry for myself" me kept thinking that it felt like an adoption was taking place. My ex's new wife's family was there and they were all over her and I could barely hang out with her. That's good, I'm happy that they love her (how could they not?). I felt like I was giving her away. It really sucked.
Also,"the pity party" thought, where were all these people when I needed someone to help raise her? Where were you all when I was a single mom dealing with hardships on my own. My family was there when they could be and I will always be thankful for that. But these others...I dont' know. I thought of the times that I was the only one that would take off work when she was sick, when I was working 60 plus hours a week and eating scrambled eggs and apples 3 nights out of the week.
And then the great stuff. When the two of us had nothing to do because I was so broke that I would turn cleaning up ditches where we lived as an opportunity to learn about the environment. When we called our jeep butterfly and talked about all these adventures that we would take with it someday. When we would take those scrambled eggs and eat with candles and dresses because we thought it would be fun to be fancy.
But, I also noticed how much she loved those same people back and where she lived. Which was also good. She was truly in her element there as well. They have a nice newer house and she has her own room that doesn't have little fingers sifting their way through her stuff when she's not looking. I also doubt that when the winter wind comes from the south she's having to put more blankets on her bed and wear warmer pj's like at our house.
I'm sure you are wondering why I wrote this pity party of a blog. I wasn't going to. I was going to pretend that in my blog stuff like this didn't exist. Because I write for fun, not for depressing people.
Then I thought about it.
Others are going through this too and maybe they feel just like I do and need to know that sometimes you have to do what is right for your kids, not what makes you feel OK. Being a parent is so hard but hopefully we will be rewarded when we see what kind of kid we shaped in the end.
Thanks for coming along on this trail,